What’s the next big social media network?

Photo: Modup.net (CC)

Social media is where the money is at, right? So rather than passively wait for the Next Big Thing, I’m going to build my own.

I call it Doodad.

Because hundreds of social networks already exist, mine will need to stand out somehow. The huge selling point for Doodad will be passivity. What could be simpler?

Photo: Fdecomite (CC)

A tiny implant in your forehead will take care of everything. Just place the Doodad on a table or other flat surface, then bang your head rapidly onto the device for installation. Easy!

Because you’re lazy, you don’t have to go through a cumbersome registration process. Doodad will crawl through your existing social media profiles, create your account and log you in automatically.

Doodad’s forehead cam captures every moment of your day, including photos, selfies (every time you pass a mirror), video, infrared (for nights) and X-ray (people behind walls should be transparent). Your best (and worst) moments will upload to the network for everyone to see. Bonus: Start livestreaming whenever, wherever — in 3D and 4K using 5G.

Checking Doodad requires nothing more than blinking: Your timeline feeds directly into your brain, with images and sound available during blinks and whenever your eyes are closed.

Stop fretting over composing updates. Doodad scans your thought patterns and posts them in Outbursts. Hate the driver who took your parking space? Worried about your hair? Crushing on your bartender? Panicked over a persistent mole? It all goes online in milliseconds.

Even replies and comments no longer need your conscious effort. By scanning your brain’s lizard impulses, along with thousands of previous comments, Doodad formulates the harshest retort before you can form an opinion and posts it in your friends’ updates. Finally, all of the digital shouting and bickering without wearing out your keyboard.

The EgoBoost option allows you to target your updates to those who dare disagree with you. Automatically share your platitudes on hunting, child rearing, nuclear power, GMOs, charter schools, that neighbor who leaves the curtains open, water rights, taxes and millennials to those jackals who really need to hear it from you.

Play games, watch crazy viral clips, send private messages and creeper notes, gasp at everyone’s ugly kids, take in a few (hundred) ads, complain, beg for Likes and shares, subtweet. Best of all: It’s completely free.

And if you have privacy or security concerns about Doodad, don’t worry. It will post those publicly as well.

Doodad is the perfect social media channel for you because it does all the work. All you have to do is breathe.

Sign up today!